Internal Fatherhood

Internal Fatherhood


Shelley Irish, 6/30/19

A spiritual artist who lived in Ireland primarily in the 20thcentury, named Olivia Robertson, thought that the energy of the planet was becoming more balanced, that the feminine energy was increasing, equaling the masculine energy. Because of this, she saw and theorized that fratricide would continue to take place among the men who could not evolve into a balanced world. 

I’m thinking about Solstice, Olivia’s fratricide theory, our world leaders, and I’m thinking about how energetically, culturally and politically we are fathering our world. In America, we have daddy issues all over the place, so I feel the question really more importantly is, how we each father ourselves. 

I have a good dad, we have our challenges like anyone else, and I also do things that are fathering towards myself because I live across the country from him. My dad always wants me to be safe and when I think about certain things I ask myself how my dad would want me protected. In this way I feel his love and consider all of the things we have talked about over the years. I get into dad mind, it makes me feel safe and loved. I think about his confidence in me and it adds to my confidence. I had a good grandfather too, and part of what I feel I need when people I love pass on, is to ensure I am still loved in the certain ways they loved me and showed their love to the world. This has taken many forms and the most immediate ways I engage with his sort of love is through listening to a Buddhist monk of English decent and doing visual-based mediations. Ajahn Brahm’s dharma talks on Youtube soothe the part of me who needs to listen to a kind-hearted old man talk about life, love and politics while being real, humorous, and sweet.

The visual based meditation that allows me to engage with big fathering love is this, it’s all about inner child comfort, and something designed to take the energy of the solstice into my energy healing practice: 

I go through my relaxation and meditative sequence for focusing, and connect to the part of myself that is a little girl. I imagine riding on my dad’s back and nesting my head into the side of his neck and feeling his fuzzy curly hair. His father, Ralph, then hugs him and I at the same time. My grandfather Ralph puts his hand on my shoulder and upper back, where I currently am still dealing with whiplash pain from a car collision. Ralph was a Doctor on earth and this is taken from another visual I go into with him for soothing muscle pain. My grandfather Lee then comes and puts his hand on the back of my heart. He died almost 10 years ago. Visualizing his hand on my back was and still is the most immediate way for me to feel his love. I was very close to him and can still feel a physical change in me when I visualize his hand on my back. This trifecta of father love for me, is a little safe cocoon I go to in my mind. The energy shift is palpable, this is a powerful practice to me that I have been engaged in this month in observing the solstice. I did a little fire ceremony as well, and the shift of energy to engage with internal masculine energy has been a catalyzing practice this month. 

As I feel held in the safety of my earth and spirit fathers, I also think about the big love women shine to hold space for the safety and healing of men, even through the many traumas women have endured from men. I feel this is so beautifully describedby a Zen nun after her bhikkhunīordination by Ajahn Brahm (which he was exiled from his old monastery for performing, wish I knew her name):

“Heretic rebel, they drew a circle which shut me out, 

Rebel heretic, someone devout. 

But love and wisdom had the wit the win, 

We drew a bigger circle, which included the men.”

Although we see more violence, the world is way safer than it used to be. I feel Olivia Robertson’s fratricide theory is true, that the last waves of toxic patriarchy are cycling out, some are scrambling and dividing, and some are loving and including. Did you see the mayor of London declare himself a feminist a few weeks ago? Hell yeah! 

So that I am caring for myself fully and engaging energetically with the healing potential of the season, I am finding it a nice time to look internally at, what aspects of fatherhood do we reject, what do we keep, and what do we add? The stronger we are in feeling safe, like we have a solid rock at our back, that we receive fatherly love in the way we need, regardless of the source, makes everyone less swayed by the fluctuations in the powers that be and less likely to turn against our brothers.